A few thoughts

Ok, back on here after a VERY long hiatus. Sadly, not much has changed, I am still grinding day in and day out. I have been up and down, and every measurement in between, but can't quite find a way to get ahead. I feel like I'm one of those people Dante wrote about, destined to spend my life reaching for some unobtainable object only to have it pushed just slightly out of my reach when I am finally close enough to grasp it. Things are supposed to get easier as time goes on, but I find myself dealing with the same stresses that I always have as a poker player. Where is the next amount of money going to come from? When am I going to have that one big score? What is this all leading too?

I find myself at a crossroad. If I continue playing then I will probably continue to make a decent clip but ultimately what is this going to get me? What is the end goal? I don't have dreams of making a mark in the poker world. I don't need the fame or anything like that. I just want to feel more stable, a little more secure. As I get older, I have grown more tired of walking the tight rope, of standing on the wire, and wondering if I am going to plummet to the ground, hit reality, and have to find some "real" work.

I never thought that poker was going to be easy. It was never a misconception of mine to believe I was going to come in and take the world by storm. The grind is where I happily reside, and that's fine with me. I just would like to know that I am good enough, I am strong enough, and I will be ok. It really is the waiting that kills me.

Trip to Reno in mid-October is fast approaching. Been working hard the last few weeks to get the roll in fighting shape to take on the tournys that are out there. I made $3K last week, gave a bit back this week. Still got 3 weeks to go and about another 4K to earn. The closer that I get to my goal, the more I am forced to think about the fact that this is never going to end. The endless grinding, the workhorse mentality, the long nights. It just keeps going.